Elven Saga
by Mormegil
Summary: Hope you like this. I find it humorous, of course, I wrote it. Rated 'R' for sexuality.


"What do you mean now reward?" yelled the man exasperated.  
"I mean there ain't no reward." Yelled the old man from behind the counter.  
"Natha daged aen!" yelled the young man.  
"What was that?" the old man asked with a questioning glance.  
"Nath.oh.nothing you prunish old hack!" the young man returned, and he turned and stormed from the establishment and into the street.  
"How'd it go, Penance?" said the young man's partner, Helsing, who was holding their horses.  
"Whatever happened to decent education? These stupid twits don't even learn Elvish anymore."Penance said as he rubbed his elven ears.  
"Yeah, everyone's learning that high-flutin' 'common tongue'. Why do we have to speak that trash. It just doesn't roll of the tongue the same as the old tongue." Said Helsing disappointedly.  
Penance grabbed his horse's reins, leaped on, and rode away with Helsing close behind.  
Later that day, the two pitched camp about ten leagues outside of Minas Tirith.  
"I can't believe there's no reward for the traitor Saruman and that ugly one with the forked tongue. I mean, come on. We tracked those scum all the way through Fangorn Forest and back to Moria. And what do we get? NOTHING!"  
"Well, now I know we should have killed them when we found the shagging those orcs. I do feel sorry for Saruman though. Getting an STD from an orc is nothing to brag about." Said Helsing with a disgusted spit.  
"No joke." Said Penance who convulsed and looked as though he could have thrown up on the spot.  
Helsing looked at his horse and saw that she was still acting as odd as she had last week. Penance realized what Helsing was looking at and Helsing looked back to Penance.  
"You don't think he might have.?" said Helsing slightly disturbed.  
"I don't think he could have done something like that. I mean, everyone knows how 'fond' Saruman is of his little 'creations'. I mean, I think the real reason he made the super breed of Uruk-Hai was so that he could get some action." Said Penance with a chuckle.  
The passed and Penance awoke in the morning. He hadn't slept well because Helsing kept having a nightmare that 'Saruman the White' was raping him. The poor guy was terrified, and he had good reason. Try and imagine being raped by a pair of balls that have been around for three hundred lives of men.  
After a hurried and somewhat interrupted-by-Helsing-relapsing-into- his-nightmare-and-describing-it-in-scrutinous-x-rated-detail-breakfast, Penance lost the breakfast that he had tried so hard to keep in its rightful place and mounted his horse. He waited for a moment and then yelled, "Come on Helsing! Get up and let's go!"  
"Yessir!" said Helsing as he jumped to his feet and mounted his own horse who then systematically collapsed underneath him. Helsing took his elvish saddle and possessions off his crippled horse and placed them back on a spare horse. He put his usual horse in a halter and readied himself for travel.  
"Where are we headed on this adventure, oh fearless leader?" Helsing said in a cold way. He tapped his horse's side and they both took off toward the mountains on the horizon.  
"I thought we could look for the creature Gollum. How I would love to hear his side of the story of the Ring." Penance returned.  
"Well, whatever boss." Helsing returned coldly.  
Even though Helsing didn't quite understand where Penance was going with this, the two had known each other since the Battle of Gladden Fields and had been bounty hunting together since then and Penance had never led them astray. Except for that one escapade involving Lady Eowyn, her friend, and lembas bread. However, beside that, they were a good clean team.  
Well, it turns out that the two had few problems on their way to the Misty Mountains to search for Gollum.  
The problem came when the duo was attacked by a pack of wargs that immediately began humping their legs.  
"I read in the 'Diaries of the Fellowship' that Merry and Pippin almost had to shag their way out of captivity when they were captured and taken hostage by those Uruks." Aid Helsing in a tone that suggested he thought it was a plan.  
"Ah hell no! there is no possibility that you are serious. You're shitting me, right?" Penance said, appalled. Helsing almost looked surprised. He looked as if he had just been refused a date to the prom. Which he never had to go through, because he(unlike Penance) had been asked to prom by Lady Arwen herself. However, he said she was terrible in bed and felt it was his duty to inform some guy by the name of Aragorn who had begun courting her. Some people thought their falling-out was a result of Elrond's continuos nagging. However, the two had actually severed ties because Arwen had walked in on Aragorn screwing a chambermaid that Helsing had said was challengingly frisky in bed. Though none of the event occurred in bed(but rather in Elrond's study) Aragorn was highly pleased.  
"Hey.enough daydreaming! And please tell you are not daydreaming about what I think you are daydreaming about." Penance pleaded while one particularly large warg was humping his leg.  
"Alright.alright." Helsing retorted coldly while reaching behind his back to grasp his bow. His hand rolled across his bowstring. The bowstring twanged and the wargs (looking very disgruntled about being interrupted) now stopped their mental intercourse and took up a defensive stance.  
In one fluent motion: Helsing and Penance drew out their bows, notched arrows, and shot the first two wargs that jumped them between the teeth. They took down several more wargs this way and then reverted to swords.  
Penance drew his sword and quickly dispatched four wargs. The two ran away from the wargs, jumped astride the horses, and rode away. Penance again drew his bow, notched an arrow, fired, and hit the particularly large warg in the groinal proximity.  
"That'll teach him to wear protection." Said Penance in an unusual, sexually twisted sense of humor.  
Two days later, the two friends found Gollum. However, what they found surprised them. In the middle of a dark cave in the heart of the Misty Mountains sat a little pink cottage. When they knocked on the door, they were greeted by a pink-apron-wearing, cookie-baking version of a very gangly hobbit.  
"Oh lookses precious. Two elvses comes to sees us, precious. Well, comes ins elvses. You must trieses some of these cookieses. They are chocolate chipses, precious." He said as he straightened his little pink apron that said 'Grandma Knows Best'.  
The two friends accepted Gollum's invitation to enter the house and they tried the cookie(which were actually very good). "Now, whats dids the elvses comes to see us for precious?" Gollum said curiously.  
"Well, Smeagol, we would like to know about your side of the 'One Ring' story." Said Helsing impatiently. Penance shot Helsing an imputing glare and confirmed that Helsing was truthful.  
"Well, elveses came to the right place, didn't they precious? You sees, elvses, that there J.R.R. Tolkien gots the story all wrongses. He probably gotses his imformations from the fat hobbit. Those hobbitses is two of the strangest creatureses that Smeagol dids ever seenses. Yes precious, indeed. Ones of them a paranoids schizophrenic ands the other a sexaholic who won't takeses 'no' for an answers, precious. Smeagol cans not evens count how many timeses that stupid fat hobbit tried to rapes hims in the darkses." Gollum shuddered, and cowered still lower. "Please if you will tell us how you did not perish in the fires of Mount Doom." said Penance, happy that Gollum was willing to share his experiences with Frodo 'The Ringbearer' Baggins and his sidekick Samwise 'The Brave' Gamgee.  
"Well, precious, Smeagol is not fool precious no. We hiredses a friend of ourses named Teagol to takeses the precious from the Bagginses. Little dids Smeagol knows that the stupid ingrateses would gets the precious and the turnses around and fallses in the fiery abyss precious." He stomped his feet as he spoke of Teagol. "Buts itses okay with Smeagol now. Smeagol likeses to liveses in old caveses. But, it is good to haveses better shelters now. Too badses that the coldness and dampness is no goodses for Smeagol's arthritises. But now, since goblinses no longer haveses Dark Lord to follow, goblinses all becomeses pharmacistses. Believe it or not precious, goblinses and orcses are excpetionally good medicine makerses. Smeagol wouldn't shitses you precious." Gollum said convincingly.  
I.I see. And what else is there to it?" Penance said, beginning to look as though he was not pleased with the new Gollum.  
"There's nothing else to tells, indeed precious." Said Gollum. "Please, haves another cookie or two precious." Gollum concluded as he headed back to the stove.  
"No thank you, Smeagol. We really ought to be going. We have other business to attend to." Helsing said. On Penance's cue the two stood up, pushed in their chairs, and strolled to the door. They opened the door, paced into the cool darkness, and as soon as they were out of Gollum's sight, they ran for the exit out of the Misty Mountains. However, just as they had the red neon 'exit' sign in view, Gollum jumped from the shadows and blocked their exit. It was quite comical to see the skinny little creature in a pink apron standing in a wide-legged stance with his teeth bared.  
"Oh no, elveses, you does not understand. Elveses who comes in here do nots leaves without first passing 'the test'." Gollum growled in a raspy gurgle.  
"And what exactly is 'the test'?" said Helsing with a queer look on his face.  
"Oh my precious! I'll giveses the elveses three guesses, buts their only going to needs one." Said Gollum with a happy (although perverse) expression.  
"You're going to make us bake cookies?" asked Helsing.  
"Yes, elveses."  
"Really?" asked Helsing as he and Penance both made a sigh of relief.  
"No, elveses, Smeagol has planses for you, precious." Gollum said.  
"oh my god! He sure as hell doesn't mean what I think he means, does he?" Penance said as he glanced from his nether regions to Helsing (whose expression matched his companion's).  
"I think he might." said Helsing as he covered 'himself' with his hands.  
"Indeed preciousss." Gollum hissed as he flung himself toward the two elves.  
"Think we should run away?" Helsing asked.  
"I do." Penance answered as he darted off, followed closely by Helsing.  
Gollum was close behind them. As they reached another exit, Gollum leaped out of the shadows. He was no longer wearing his little pink apron. As he flew through the air, he latched onto Helsing's cloak, and Helsing was pulled off his feet and fell gracelessly to his back. Helsing ripped the cloak off and left it to Gollum. Helsing had gotten the one possession that mattered to him. It was the brooch that had kept his cloak on. The brooch was a small token of remembrance from the chambermaid.  
Meanwhile, Gollum had stopped and was rummaging through Helsing's abandoned cloak, In turn, Penance and Helsing stopped behind a rock to see what was happening. After a couple moments, Gollum stopped and looked into the pocket as if something had sparked his curiosity. At once, he pulled out a small object that could only be one thing.a condom.  
"What is that?" Penance said with a sidelong glance at Helsing.  
"Oh, Arwen is not going to be happy." Helsing said.  
"MY PRECIOUSSS!" Gollum screamed as he ran into the shadowy distance. 


End file.
